That day she came to me and told me her decision, I cried. I deteriorated in front of her face. Well first i stepped away and broke down. And she came to me and asked me if I was ok.

So sympathetic, O hypocrite to the core. Go on, stare. I know its my fault, it all is. I opened Pandora's Box. I dared to test the waters, though uncertain if it was even my role or my place to do so. Dared to shake the boat.

Never thought these waves would be so fierce and strong. I thought at last, tide is on my side, I can venture out into the depths and affect change. Power for good. At last.

But the water was so deep. The ocean, which seemed so logical from ashore, turned out so large, so angry, so intense that I was gasping and struggling with it from the get go.

To fight I had to surrender. To survive, I had to let the tears come. Poseidon overtook me with force, left me gasping for breath in the sea of tears. Acceptance.

:~:

I have never hated quite like this before. To realize that one is what one hates more than anything else in the world is a slap in the face, to say the very least. I was unprepared for such realization.

This is certainly a defining moment in my life. I am at a loss. Where do my loyalties really lie? To a corrupt hypocritical organization? Or to my own values? What do I value? Why? And where have these values come from?

Why has this happened now?

:~:

In the end I can only save myself.