dialogue, internal:

FILE UNDER: Logic.

stop crying.
you are not a unique and beautiful snowflake,
your pain is no different from anyone else's.
you are not the first, nor will you be the last, so
suck it up
move on
and stop wasting time

[...]

i broke the rule
that rule, the one goes a little like
"dont write something like this and hand it to him(/her)"
looking back on this, i understand
what i didnt see before

if i was on the receiving end
i'd be creeped out too.
but he handled it very gracefully
(it's no big deal, really.)

[...]

its none of my business.

FILE UNDER: Illogic.

i hate her,
[i hate myself for hating her]
i knew she was trouble from the first time i saw her
"there's something about her that i
just. don't. trust." ...so.
i'm not the only one who is wary.

[...]

i don't believe i am capable of that kind of love
maybe "my time will come"
but i remember wanting this since i was twelve
laying in bed at night alone
waiting

[...]

if i destroy my capacity for love
then i will not miss the lack of it in my life

FILE UNDER: Confusion.

it must be worth losing if it is worth something
but, you can't lose what you never had
then why does it still hurt?

[...]

he gave me an exit
but i'm slowly [re]learning
there is no way out.

the EXIT is sitting next to my bed
i want to destroy it
i want to destroy the pieces of his self
that he brought out in me

[...]

there are times when i am dead,
and i feel nothing.
there are times when i do not exist,
and it hurts.
and she
is always
alive.

external:

On Friday night, we were drunk and I cut my finger open accidentally on the paper towel dispenser in the second floor women's room and it hurt. It hurt and I sat there, letting the blood absorb into my dark-colored shirt so no one would notice and I felt it. The pain felt so good. Better than any feeling on the earth at that moment. I was so glad to hurt.

:~:

just when you escape
you have yourself to fear.
a restaurant, that never has to close
breakfast, every hour--it could save the world...
thunder wishes it could be the snow
wishes it could be as loved as she can be...
tori

:~:

"The entries that hurt the most to write are often the most interesting to read."
Al Schroder