A Tea Reader

12 November 2002

Corrections Department: From time to time, an error slips past the otherwise diligent fact-checkers employed by the Tea Reader. Often, the victim of these misstatements is erstwhile tea regular Yael. Such was the case when, last week, we reported that Yael had failed to inform her compatriots of an expected absence. In fact, she did make it known that she would most likely be unable to attend the weekly festivities. As always, the Tea Reader regrets the error.

Those valiant souls who arrived promptly at Franklins last week were faced with what regular readers of this feature will recognize as an increasingly common conundrum: how to arrange several tables to accommodate a large group while facilitating both dining and dialogue. A suitable solution would permit all assembled to easily hear any speaker, yet provide easy access for food services personnel. Adding to the challenge was the proximity of a wall, eliminating one avenue of approach for Andrea, our lovely waitress.

While most of us stood by drooling, Andrew took charge. In a stroke of genius he suggested a U-shaped arrangement which would provide easy ingress and egress for Andrea, while keeping even the most distant pair of participants close enough for conversation. Theorist and practitioner at once, Andrew commenced to implement his plan, and in a few moments the tables were precisely positioned to maximize the enjoyment of all assembled.

Ready to reap the fruits of Andrew's labor, those present took their places at the table. It was then that a discordant note first entered the evening's score. A simple misunderstanding, together with the stochastic seat selection process, left Andrew unable to sit beside his dear, witty, handsome friend David. Such a setback might dissuade some, and perhaps dampen the spirit. But Andrew, resolutely determined to enjoy the evening, overlooked the slight and selected a corner seat by Tom and Carla.

It need not be mentioned that David's charm and captivating presence are an endless source of enjoyment and delight for those fortunate enough to experience his friendship. Less understood, though, are the genuine challenges such a winning personality can pose, as the following events demonstrate. Thomas, you see, found himself sitting opposite David, but separated from him by the food delivery channel. Anxious to be as close as possible to his to his entertaining friend, Thomas, without thinking, pushed himself forward, thereby sliding the tables together and eliminating the carefully created chasm.

Not only was Andrew left to survey the disarray that had once been his carefully imposed order, but he found himself stranded at the end of a table peninsula, facing the backs of those who had been so eager for his leadership only moments before.

This was too much, too much even for our resilient friend. Rather than subject us to his foul mood, Andrew nobly excused himself and retired to that long dark night of the soul, to reflect upon his life, his honor, and his duty.

The rest of us ordered beer.

Brian arrived and completed a group that included Carla, Thomas, Andri, Jason, Brooke, Maureen, Sacha, Robin, David, Cliff, Chris, and Jen. The discussion amongst these friends wandered far and wide, from the intellectual to the scatological.

Andri, a native Cypriot, was informed by an American of a recent peace plan offered by U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan. The plan, which would divide the island country into federated Turkish and Greek states under a rotating presidency, was quite unacceptable to Andri, who several times commented, "Come on!"

Several at the table saw fit to draw amusing sketches of their fellow Tea Drinkers accompanied by word balloons. A ghoulish Brooke says, "My name is Brooke, and I want to be a doctor." Chisel-chinned David comments, "Ooh, I'm David!", while cartoon Jason asks, "Hey, wanna ride my low-rider?" and explains that "My home-brewed beer tastes like chicken."

As I hold the drawings before me, I see here for the first time the following scrawled message: "What really happens @ T: David makes all the fun go away like stopping us from throwing pennies into his beer." This, dear readers, is a vicious, unfair representation of what transpired. I was also pelted with crumpled paper.

Lest the Tea Reader overstay its welcome, a very brief mention of some notable quotables: in her ongoing series of questions for Thomas, Andri quipped "Why do you like guns for God's sake?" while in this week's Carla Quotables, Tea's founding member announced that "Carla will be the Queen of a fecal empire." Ah. Is Jason too old to hit on a 22-year old? We weren't sure. Brian Nader, most agreed, was the best dressed among us. Brooke told tales of Denmark's handicapped prostitutes. And Thomas got 0wn3d :-(

Tea ended on a happy note, however, when Andrew returned to us and received several big juicy hugs.

Come next week when harmony returns to Hyattsville. And who knows, perhaps Yael will be back! Only time will tell.

5 November 2002

On this cold, rainy mid-term election night, a smaller, more serious crowd gathered for discussion of politics, economics, and pizza. This veritable McLaughlin Group included such tea luminaries as Cliff, Carla, Thomas, Andri, Brooke, Sacha, Marc, Christy, Heather, and David. Conspicuous by their absence were regulars Brian, Jason, Andrew, Maureen, and Yael. It can be said, at least, that Jason offered an excuse, albeit a lame one, when interrogated by Carla over her cellular telephone: don't expect him to travel one hour each way to spend thirty minutes with us.

Under normal circumstances, such a comment would be the perfect opportunity for a three to four paragraph verbal skewering at the end of which Jason would be reduced to tears and sniffling. Instead, he will receive accolades and my sincere gratitude. For, that evening at the voting touch screen, it seems Jason could not bring himself to cast his ballot for either of the State Comptroller candidates. Rather than choose the lesser of two evils, Jason made an unconventional, yet brilliant, decision: he wrote in "David Eisner."

Let us rise, then, and pause for a moment to contemplate Jason's wisdom.

Please be seated.

Though we numbered nine, we were nearly eight. Unlike Brian, Yael, Andrew, and Maureen, Cliff respects his fellow tea drinkers, and had kindly informed us that he would have to forgo our collective company for the tender affections of a woman. It is forgivable, and perhaps understandable, that Cliff should prefer intimate female companionship to his steadfast friends. Less understandable was Cliff's rejection when his lady friend backed out at the last minute! What woman would willingly deny herself Tea's most handsome male? A daft one, clearly. Her loss was to be our gain.

Thomas's gain would be most immediate, and material, as Cliff arrived with a gift for him: a (Libertarian Gubinatorial Candidate) Spear Lancaster Nipple Clip, procured from College Park's Closet of Comics. Some commented on the striking resemblance the clip bore to those used in securing the contents of half-eaten bags of potato chips, but most were believers.

Stan Jones

Discussion of Libertarians, in political, economic, and lunatic form, occupied much of our discussion. In addition to the aforementioned Mr. Lancaster, we pondered Montana Libertarian Stan Jones, who, in a misguided attempt to boost his immune system, overdosed on colloidal silver and turned himself blue. And if that weren't sufficiently demented, he apparently believes that the solution to society's ills can be found in limited government and an unregulated free market economy! The silver has clearly addled his mind.

Noteworthy in this context is the following quote from our resident Economics PhD student, Andri, who, when probing the depths of Thomas's adherence to Libertarian economic doctrine, commented "You don't still believe those things, do you?"

Also put under the microscope: Maryland 8th Congressional District hopeful Stephen Bassett, who ran on a platform only slightly less bizarre than the palliative powers Adam Smith's invisible hand : that the government is hiding the presence of extraterrestrials on our planet.

Too much political talk can be tiresome, though. Fortunately there were other topics to consider. For example, Thomas and Carla attended Brooke's Halloween Party, and reported that she maintains a Brooke Body Clone, made entirely of duct tape! This prompted David to divulge the existence of his face mold, produced for an NIH study. Carla was appalled to learn that he possessed this bust, but had not made it the centerpiece of his interior decor.

Thomas revisited some old themes: the Commanding Heights party idea, and his dreams of a foreign policy based on assassination by airplane-mounted laser. One of us asked if all 30 year old single women were desperate to be married. Finally, we debated the merits of Ledo's Pizza, and whether Pizza Bolli's or Papa John's uses more sauce (answer: Pizza Bolli's).

A serious Tea, perhaps, but fulfilling to mind and body as well. Will topics more frivolous monopolize discussion next week? Will Yael, Brian, Andrew, Maureen, and Jason return? Only time will tell . . . but you can count on the Tea Reader will report it!

29 October 2002

This week's edition of the Tea reader is to be a short one, sadly. Your absent-minded reporter failed to remember that at the proverbial eleventh hour, an hour normally reserved for the frantic composition of this publication, he had promised to attend a close friend's graduation from Improv boot camp in Arlington, VA. A poor excuse, perhaps. OK, a very poor excuse. But take comfort in karma's quick justice: a $40 parking ticket awaited me at evening's end.

In what little time is left, I offer the following apology, an apology long overdue. Three weeks ago I described Tea regular Brian as the "true player" of our group. This characterization, as Brian has reminded me repeatedly, was inaccurate, unfair, and hurtful. Furthermore, it most likely had the unintended consequence of interfering with our good friend's ability to engage in successful relations with the fairer sex. Some of a baser sort might even refer to this state of affairs as a "c*ck block". Brian: please find it in your heart to forgive me. Ladies: Brian is no player. His is a gentle soul, his a bonhomie renowned throughout the land. Once Brian enters your life, he will never leave your heart.

Now, the essentials. Those present: Yael, Brooke, Carla, Tom, David, Mac Daddy Brian, Cliff, Robin, Sacha, Jason, Walter, and, back after an extended leave, Andri. The waiter: Alex. Those costumed: Carla, made-up to look like a Living Dead Doll.

Brooke brought a chess set, and engaged in two games, the first of which is recorded below (Java-enabled browser required). Her record for the evening was 1-1.

This browser is not Java-enabled.

It should be noted that Alex (our waiter), a former college chess tournament champion, was quite the kibbitzer, commenting at one point that depending on White's next move, mate in four was possible. After the game had ended, Alex recreated -- from memory -- the board at the point where he had made his observation.

Hmmm. I sense a future disturbance in the Tea Force . . . Someone is unhappy . . . I have failed to note something . . . Oh, of course. The winner of the second game was Brian!

Please return next week for the Tea Reader in its full glory.

22 October 2002

David:	Another strong showing this week, as Tea stalwarts and rare guests alike joined to support this important institution. Even the most casual observer at Franklins last Tuesday would have been struck by the handsome crowd gathered at the long table in the rear. They would have noticed Yael, Cliff, Carla, Tom, David, Andrew, John, and Melissa, together, and on-time. Later on this hypothetical observer would have smiled at the arrival of Brian, Brooke, Sacha, Robin, Jason, and, I kid you not, WALTER. Walter came at last. We love Walter because --
Andrew:	Ooh, ooh, can I tell everyone what I did this weekend?
David:	Umm, Andrew, I'm in the middle of sharing our most recent escapades with readers near and far. Maybe when I'm done?
Andrew:	Oh, OK. Sorry!
David:	Anyhoo, Carla shared one of the publications distributed to her on the first day of her new job. As it turned out, this publication was a pin-up calendar full of barely clothed women, posing with various pieces of equipment. Some found the calendar to be offensive, because the nearly nude women in it were models, and had no professional relation whatsoever with the equipment they fondled. Carla should be outraged. She was not. Show and tell continued, as Brooke presented Carla with a gift from New Orlean's, where she had been visiting a medical school. It should be noted that Brooke has already been accepted to several institutions, and one day will be paid to cut people open or bang them with hammers or insert giant popsicle sticks into their mouths. Yes, yes, the gift: a well preserved American Alligator head. Let me emphasize at this time that the American Alligator is in no way an endangered species, and will continue to frolic through North American swamps for many years to come. The same can not be said of Carla's alligator, however.
Andrew:	Say, did anybody see Friends last week? That Chandler is so funny! This one time, Phoebe said --
David:	Andrew! I'm still in the middle of Tea!
Andrew:	Well, you've been writing for awhile, and since you had paused, I thought it would be OK for me talk. But that's OK, this is all about David. Go ahead.
David:	If you really want to talk about TV's Friends, that's OK.
Andrew:	No, no, go ahead. I insist.
David:	OK, I will. John and Melissa informed us that they recently moved to a new apartment. Incredibly, the two had high-speed Internet access by the end of the first day in their new abode. This in spite of the fact that John accidentally plugged the wrong power supply into the cable modem, setting it on fire. At this point, a word about our seating arrangements. In recent weeks, our large group has had the misfortune to be seated at a long, narrow table. As a result, it has been nearly impossible for the entire Tea cadre to engage in joint conversation. Rather, proximate participants break off into individual discussions, or "break-out sessions", completely ignorant of what other engaging chatter is under way. As such, when perusing the Tea Reader, many or the previous week's participants learned for the first time of the breast discussion that had occurred. Needless to say, those who missed the fun were eager to learn what they had missed, and to talk further about breasts and breast-related topics. This week the conversation focused on why breasts are so fascinating to men. While some would argue the answer is self-evident, Andrew offered the following sage wisdom: "Because breasts are totally awesome." Others suggested a food explanation, which this writer finds unsatisfactory. As noted at Tea, most men are not thinking, "Mmm, milk." when they observe an outstanding boob specimen.
Andrew:	Hey, pull my finger!
David:	Andrew! Where was I. Ah, yes, then all sat with rapt attention as David described in marvelous detail his trip that previous weekend to NYC, including his visit to the Democracy Now studios. Silent, that is, but for Andrew's frequent interruptions! When David speaks, all must listen! David will brook no disruption, and those that dare to break this rule will endure mercilous ridicule! Andrew did redeem himself, though, when he informed the ignorant among us (me) that pumpernickel is a type of rye bread. Furthermore, he had a legitimate gripe with the Tea Reader, which inaccurately described his sniper-avoidance gait as a "Zig Zag". It is, as Andrew demonstrated, more akin to a walking seizure. Yael and John were both in attendance, and as such they took to the opportunity to further explore the boundaries of their obsessive compulsive tendencies. For example, it seems that both must leave a clean tear in the toilet paper roll before leaving, so that an integral number of sheets remain. Be warned, though: I've undoubtedly erred in describing the matter, and I look forward to Yael's correction. Stay tuned. Yael also made waves when she ordered, as her beverage, a nice cup of Earl Gray Tea. Tea returns to Tea, and with it, a measure of authenticity. Finally, it must be said that Jason was by far the most handsomely dressed in attendance, which is becoming an increasingly common occurrence. He wore brown corduroy pants, and a turtleneck sweater whose color Cliff described as that of a "mossy forest on a rainy March morning." Oh, one other thing: After tea, Andrew did a wonderful dive roll into my knee, and then some of us smashed pennies and quarters on the train tracks. Join us next week, then, for an uninterrupted account of the continuing adventure. See you then!

15 October 2002

Good Lord I'm tired. So very tired.

An enjoyable yet uneventful Tea this past week was most welcome in these overly eventful times, at least by this Tea writer. Many joined the fun, and some who couldn't make it participated, too. Ah, but first things first. Sit back, gentle reader, perhaps with a nice cup of tea, and see if you aren't comforted too.

First to arrive were Maureen and Andrew, Carla and Thomas, Brian, and yours truly (David). Soon thereafter Cliff made his entrance, to be followed by Sgt. Brooke. A nice young woman by the name of Dreen then approached the table, and sat down. Taken for a Tea crasher by some, she proved to be a lady friend of Brian's. Brian, you see, is the true player in our crowd. A cool cat, that one. Almost as cool as Jason, who next arrived. Stacy, Robin, and Sacha rounded out the bunch.

Serving us this evening was our friend Stephanie, waitress of October 1st. Some will recall that I implored Stephanie to see Spirited Away at her earliest convenience. Convinced by her sincere demeanor, I was certain that she had followed my advice. When asked, however, she had to admit that, no, she had not seen it after all. This is Stephanie's loss. The Tea writer, with his Tea duties and full-time cell phone researching, is a very busy man, and can't be bothered to pursue such matters further. Our waitress is destined to stumble through a nightmarish world of cultural darkness. Tea Reader: don't follow this path of ruin!

Once more the sniper occupied our thoughts. Carla told us that she and Tom stay in their car while fueling up these days. Andrew has begun walking in a zig-zag pattern. I observed him doing this while going to and from the Franklin's bathroom. Very sad. And speaking of Franklin's, Andrew was kind enough to introduce us to Mr. Franklin himself! The proprietor was very friendly. The same can not be said of Mr. R. J. Bentley, who remained hidden from site during our entire sojourn at his restaurant, perhaps watching us on video monitors from his basement lair. Franklin's is not evil; Franklin's rules.

As wonderful as it is, though, I must confess that the food and drink were not up to the usual standards. To be fair, I can only speak for myself, but the Bombshell Blonde lagger was thin and stale, and the Mahi Mahi special was rather bland, with a pineapple "salsa" better described as a diced tomato/pineapple medley. The Tea writer, in his customary magnanimity, forgives all. Even Iron Chef Wasaharu Morimoto has has his bad days.

Were you aware, friend, that the Mahi Mahi is also known as the Dolphin Fish, entirely unrelated to the Dolphin? I, too, was ignorant, until Brian and Andrew simultaneously set me straight. Ah, the wonders of marine biology.

For the pick-on-David segment of Tea, the "One Night Stand" Cyberlove episode was revisited, again. And, once more, I was mocked for my pronunciation of "Karen". [Wouldn't it have been cool if that had been a link to a .WAV file of me saying "Karen"? You bet. Wouldn't it be cool if there were software in OS X that let one use the iBook's built-in mic to record voice? Yep. This will have to do. Grumble.]

Boy I wasted some time on that one. Must go to sleep. Drat. Listen up: Andrew asked us what word Britney Spears' little sister thought she had coined. That word was "Thingamajig". Awww. We also learned that for a long time, Maureen thought Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper was actually two separate songs. And we discussed the etiquette of breast staring.

At this point many of you are thinking, "David, this is all fine, you do a great job every week, and we adore you. Now what was it I was going to ask? Oh, yes, David: what about Yael? Where is she in all of this? Did she say nothing noteworthy? Why did you neglect to include her in the Tea roster?" Chuckle. No, no, nothing of the sort. You see, Yael was home sick :-(. So we called her! It was a real hoot, and it cheered up everyone, even Cliff. Let's all join in hoping that Yael is better now.

Enough of this jibber-jabber. I am tired. Come back next week, lest you miss the furthering adventures of the Tea Tribe!

8 October 2002

Complain, and ye shall receive.

Alone, and in pairs, they came. Some trekked from far to the north, while others a shorter journey made. To Franklin's they came, answering the desperate cry of a lonely man. Carla and Tom, Yael, Maureen and Andrew. Brooke, Brian, Chris and Jen. Stacy, Cliff, Sacha, Jason, Marc, and David. All heeded the call. By the end of the night a small group of four friends had grown to an unruly rabble of fifteen! A table was added, and then another, and another, and another! Could the restaurant contain them? Would there be food enough to feed them, drink enough to intoxicate them? Only time would tell.

Before the entire group had assembled, a visitor graced our tables. It was Heather, friend of David and Cliff, and, it was revealed, erstwhile resident of David's room in Hyattsville. She engaged us in pleasantries, and then, as goodbyes were said, gave Cliff an affectionate rub on the shoulder, but not David. What can explain such effrontery? Only this: Cliff and Heather had an illicit affair at some point in the past. I can not prove that this is true, but neither can I prove it to be untrue.

Discussion of who is, in fact, the hottest member of tea, spurred by the idle comments of a certain Carlazone fan, has continued to engage us. Some thought that a Tea Am I Hot or Not page was required, but it is clear to this reporter that David is the hottest. End of story.

Jason (whom Maureen feels to be the most attractive) then shared with us a story that restores my faith in the world, and I mean that sincerely. I also hasten to add that the following is entirely true and unembellished. Seriously.

Jason is gainfully employed at the Smithsonian Institution's Chicano Art Life exhibit, housed in the Arts and Industries building located on the Mall in Washington D.C.. His primary responsibility there is to help patrons enjoy the Low Rider exhibit, a replica of an actual low rider automobile. This in itself is amusing and causes me to chuckle at random moments during the day.

But the previous Thursday, a special day at the Arts and Industries building, saw the arrival of two very important guests: Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. They and other notables were present to celebrate another exhibit. As they wined, dined, and generally shmoozed, it was decided that it would be worthwhile to have Mr. Rumsfeld photographed with the Low Rider.

And, so, our own Mr. Rust approached the Secretary of Defense of the United States of America, and proceeded to interrupt him as he conversed with one of the female attendees of the event. Jason said to the Secretary, and I more or less quote, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'd like to suggest that you pose with the Low Rider, for the good of the cause." Mr. Rumsfeld then turned his head in Jason's general direction, gave him the sort of whithering, squinty stare normally reserved for what he feels to be the less intelligent questions asked at Pentagon press conferences, and returned to his conversation.

It is beyond my poor power to add or detract from this tale. I love my world, and God bless America.

Jason was also fortunate enough to receive that night the autograph of Cheech Marin, of Cheech and Chong fame. He is largely responsible for the exhibit, and owns much of the art displayed there. To quote Jason, "Cheech was so much cooler than Donald Rumsfeld." Indeed.

Jason did steal the show that night at Tea. As we basked in the glow of this fine raconteur, he passed around his collection of mutilated action figures, recovered from a childhood spent mutilating action figures. Marc was the first to identify Mutilated Robin (of Batman and Robin), and he also identified Mutilated Major Winchester's head -- no small feat. Brian, however, managed somehow to recognize Alan Alda's features in the hunk of plastic that once were the head and torso of Hawkeye Pierce.

Speaking of toys, Carla later discussed a friend who hosts Dildo parties. These are akin to Tupperware parties, but with Dildos. When some of us inquired into the possibility of being invited to the next such gathering, we were told than men are not welcome, to which Cliff responded , "That's OK, you must protect us from the horrible truth: that the women are fully clothed."

Tales of Tea are not complete without the mention of food and trivia. The former was excellent, as usual. Stacy's order of mussels was most noteworthy, both in terms of height and volume. There were only a few trivia questions, and they weren't very good. I asked what the "J" in JPEG stood for (Joint). The name of the new body discovered beyond Pluto stymied all of us, until Cliff revealed that it was Quaoar. And Chris asked a question so esoteric I couldn't bring myself to write it down, or remember it.

Lastly, there were no lubricated handbags to be found among the lot of us. Brooke did bring her Bug Bag, but it was as dry as the sands of Arrakis.

It is late. Andrew and Maureen are responsible. This edition of the Tea Reader is hereby closed. Come back next week for more good, clean, wholesome fun.

1 October 2002

Torture! Mutilation! Violence! Transcendence! All this, and more, in tonight's exciting, all new episode of Tea Tales!

Your narrator arrived at Franklin's precisely on time. Seeing nobody seated at the familiar table by the front window, David assumed he was the first to arrive, and sat idly on a brick wall, watching cars pass by on Rt 1. Cradled under his arm was a precious package, brought at the urgent behest of Thomas. More on this later.

Easily bored, David got ants in his pants and decided to enter the restaurant. Introducing himself to the hostess, he explained that he was waiting for a large party to arrive.

"How many?" the young lady asked.

"Oh, at least seven, perhaps more", I responded nonchalantly.

"What is the last name?" the waitress replied, nonplussed.

"Cole."

"Oh, they're right over there."

To my great disappointment, I was taken to a small table, toward the back, seating only three members of Tea: Thomas, Carla, and Yael. What's more, it wasn't at all clear that any others would be arriving! Jason had already called to indicate he was "too tired" to come. A call to Andrew revealed that Maureen was sick, and he would remain by her side. Cliff had earlier indicated his presence was unlikely, following a double session of Aikido class.

Was this to bee the smallest Tea ever? Were we in a Tea recession? Had the Tea bubble finally burst?

While waiting for the answers to these questions, the following events transpired. Thomas gave Yael a 28-day Metro pass . . . that would expire in four hours! Yael had to endure this cruel joke only minutes after David, with his acerbic wit, chided her for her recent absence from Tea. "And you are?" he was heard to say as he greeted the meager crowd. Why does Yael put up with us? My sincerest apologies go out to her.

To make ammends, I provide here the following photographic tribute to Scott Simon, host of NPR's Weekend Edition Saturday, and Sex Symbol to Yael:

At this point Thomas asked me to bring forth the aforementioned package. Inside was . . . a laptop. Thomas conjectured that there might be a wireless network within range, and had asked me to bring my Dell and wireless network card to test this hypothesis. Because my battery was dead, it was necessary to find a power outlet, and, fortunately, one was spotted at a nearby booth. Stephanie, our waitress, was kind enough to allow us to relocate to the booth. I plugged in the laptop and waited for it to boot. All waited with baited breath for the answer to Tom's quest. In the final analysis, there could be no doubt: no wireless network. Tea videoconferencing would have to wait for another day.

As often happens, talk soon turned to sibling torture. We learned how Carla and her friend Laura used to torment their younger sisters Karen and Karen. For example, the Karens, forced to marry "spirit" husbands, were duped into giving gifts to these mysterious spouses, gifts which were, in fact, destined for Carla and Laura! Another time, Carla and Laura typed up application forms soliciting potential suitors for the Karens. These were posted at the local supermarket, and later collected. It is my understanding that none of the applicants made the cut.

Yael's brother Amir, who we learned is a conductor, picked on his sister as well. [I should note that Tom asked Yael if Amir was "super".] As all good Tea Readers know, Yael is, in her words, "organizationally gifted". As a child, she had her bookcases carefully ordered according to some scheme which now escapes me. To punish her for some perceived transgression, Amir dumped the entire contents of her bookshelves onto the floor. Learning of this incident, Yael's father demanded that Amir reshelve the books, thereby playing directly into his evil plan! For Amir knew that the randomly placed books would drive Yael to certain madness. She was forced to re-order them herself.

All this talk of cruelty depressed me greatly, when, to my surprise and delight, Sacha and Robin arrived! Stephanie kindly permitted us to move back to the original table! And then Cliff arrived after all! This was the tea I loved and remembered, the Tea of my youth.

We talked and talked into the night, pausing from time to time to stuff our pie holes with delicious pie. OK, only I ate pie -- yummy chicken pot pie, that is! Mmmm.

Avast! I must iron a shirt. Briefly: Cliff may have a date, and told us of the history of Aikido, including its roots in Daito-ryu Aiki Jujutsu. Thomas and Carla explained that as the Buddha transcended suffering, so too would Carla transcend eating. Thomas once broke his arm so badly that the bone poked through his skin! And our waitress my go see Spirited Away at my insistence.

As always, be sure to join us next week for furthering developments. Will Jason return? What about Cliff? Andrew? Maureen? Brooke? Stay tuned!

24 September 2002

Note: A shorter entry greets Tea Readers this week, as the monkey who fills these pages was busy admiring Thomas's entry in Digital Links: A Survey of Digitally Enhanced Art at Montgomery College.

For Tea Historians of the Future, I present the basic facts. Location: Franklin's. In attendance: Andrew, Maureen, Carla, Thomas, Cliff, Jason, Brian, Sacha, and Brooke. Our waitress was Crystal.

I should note that a clever joke has won Crystal the coveted "Most Erudite Tea Waitress So Far" prize. Apologizing for the haphazard placement of raspberry syrup on my New York cheesecake, Crystal commented that she had had a Jackson Pollack moment. Jackson Pollack, indeed. Crystal, you make me laugh!

Everybody gets a brief writeup this week:

Cliff:	Cliff is hot for Jessica Alba (right, gratuitously), formerly of TV's Dark Angel.
Brian:	Brian requested that the Tea Reader contain "no smack about me." Done and done.
Andrew:	Andrew knows his battlements.
Brooke:	Brooke wore stylish bracers, and took photographs. I don't like my face shot, but it's not the photographer's fault.
Jason:	Jason has a date in his future, and wonders where he should take her, for dining and other activities.
Maureen:	Maureen's brother can be heard on the radio performing a public service announcement. He's "Way Too Cool to Smoke". [Link to follow].
Carla:	Carla has a discrete mathematics class with Sue, a friend of ours. (When I say friend of ours, I don't mean to suggest she is in the mafia. There is no such thing as the mafia. )
Thomas:	Thomas was heard to begin a sentence, "In celebration of the IMF riots . . ."
Sacha:	Sacha was taciturn.
David:	I had to put up with constant ridicule for not having a cell phone.

Finally, after tea, some of us went to the train tracks behind the restaurant. Brian, Brooke, Jason, and David stayed long enough to see a train come by and flatten a penny placed on the tracks for the occasion. What's more, I still have that penny.

Join us next week, won't you, for more tea joy.

17 September 2002

These are strange times, dear reader: awesome, and full of dread. I speak, of course, of the migration of Tea. That moveable feast, to borrow a phrase of Hemmingway's, has left R.J. Bentley's, it's stuffy porch, unreliable food, and loud women behind.

For Act II, our characters bid farewell to College Park, and say hello to Hyattsville, MD, which is, coincidentally, the new home of your faithful servant. As one travels south on US 1 through this historic community, very near to the Peace Cross and the border with Washington, DC one finds a charming establishment, cozy and unassuming, home to Prince Georges County's only brew-pub. This restaurant, the new home of Tea, is Franklin's.

Won't you come with me, then, back in time, to Tuesday night of last week, when a small group of friends gathered in wide-eyed amazement, beheld their new surroundings, and deemed them good.

Seated together were stalwarts Carla, Andrew, Maureen, Jason, Cliff, Sacha, and Mikey. Andri joined the fun for the second week in a row, and a first time drinker, Goat, rounded out the group.

It was not long before other changes, beyond the new surroundings, became evident. Where, for example, was Thomas? Indeed, why had he forsaken us, and was he tired of Tea? No. No. Last minute work on his secret Memory House art project required his attention, and Carla assured us that he would return next week.

Also absent from Tea were the thousand hairs of Andrew's erstwhile beard. If I weren't so damned slack, you might know that at the previous tea, the group voted that Andrew should shave his beard, and that he should find the vote binding. It was, apparently, so found. Friends of Andrew (and those Tea Readers with image-capable browsers) know him to be a handsome young man, with a winning smile and a twinkle in his eye. Well, beard or no, I'll still talk to him, and I hope you will, too!

Maureen, who has become something of an attention hound, offered these entertaining morsels in the hope of finding fame and celebrity on this forum. Are you ready?

1. Maureen vomited into a plastic helmet while driving her car.
2. Maureen's cat's breath smells like fish and chicken.
3. Maureen suggests a Sketchy / Robo reunion. (Sketchy and Robo, both cats, are former residents of the House formerly known as Dave.)

Maureen and Andrew also told of their trip to the NFL's Monday Night Football game between the Washington Redskins and the Philadelphia Eagles. I need hardly mention that the Eagles easily defeated the Redskins. But in a surprisingly poor show, police officers unleashed pepper spray into the crowd. This noxious chemical entered the venitlation system, and caused several Eagles players to throw up (really!). Some on the Left argue that no smoking gun has been found to link the actions of the Police to the Redskins, but such evidence is not required when one considers that the Redskins have knowingly harbored these renegades within their stadium for years. Just last week P.G. County's finest could be seen wandering FedEx Field with impunity, and the team is rumored to have made large payments for their services. The Redskins are a menace to the Washington region, and are aggressively attempting to replenish their stockpiles of pepper spray. We must destroy this tyrannical franchise before they cause further havoc. While it would be nice to have the unanimous support of the sporting community, we can not wait forever. The time for action is now!

But I digress.

Before the narrative leaves Andrew behind, let it be known that he had the wisdom to see our tables required rearranging, and the courage to do so. His novel configuration (a square) was a hit with the Franklin's staff, so much so that we are told the tables will be left that way for the foreseeable future. Good job, friend.

A certain querulous individual has undertaken to count the frequency with which each Tea participant's name is mentioned on this page. It turns out that Jason's name appears here more than any other. To help rectify this situation, I will mention only this: Jason said, and I quote, "Which way is the penis way?"

Oh dear, this is too long already. Time to wrap up. Cliff said many wise things, and mentioned the good time he had the previous weekend with the awesome people of the Gaian Mind party at the Four Quarters Farm in south-central Pennsylvania. Andrew (I lied) and Carla debated whether or not one should squat when relieving oneself at the Pere Lachais Cemetery rest room. Some of us tried, and failed, to get Andri to tell us colloquial Greek terms for the penis. And Carla bought some "Wash-away-the-sins" wipes, to be surreptitiously planted at her mother's party for some of her El Salvadoran catholic friends.

Please join us again next week for more exciting adventures at Franklin's.

3 September 2002

Exciting news: I have time to write for the Tea Reader once more! The move is complete, the house is dissolved, the boxes are (mostly) unpacked. Sigh.

Apologies for the lack of an entry last week. It was an especially exciting tea, too, what with all the nudity and electricity. But that is so August. Let us discuss fresher Tea happenings.

Brooke made a surprise sophomore appearance and brought a friend along, too: her Bug Bag, covered in a thin film of lubricant (really!). It was strangely erotic, in a David Cronenberg kind of way.

The unlubricated guests (as far as we know) included Carla and Tom, Yael, John and Melissa, Andrew and Maureen, Jason and Cliff, Sacha, and yours truly (David). Our young waitress, Gilit, nervously smiled while patiently putting up with our shenanigans.

Andrew was kind enough to bring high quality color laser-printed pictures of the fruit of the Southpark Character Generator as applied to the cast of Tea:

Andrew	Sacha	Jason	Cliff	David
Yael	Tom and Carla	More Cliff	John and Melissa	Brooke

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the weather. Once again, it was too damned hot. Lordy. To tell the truth, we were doing quite well at our original table, under a nice ceiling fan, when the fine folks at R.J. Bentley's saw fit to forcibly resettle us to the other end of the porch, where the air was close and stagnant. Why were we moved? To erect an outdoor bar. The kids need easy access to rail drinks, you see.

Speaking of heat, Brooke told us of an ex-lover who set his face on fire, accidentally, while using kerosene in a fire eating routine. So handsome was he, though, that the scar tissue could not hide his manly good looks. Brooke had already dumped this casualty of the entertainment industry, but one wonders: would it have been unethical to dump him after the fact?

John and Melissa (who aren't bad looking themselves, let me tell you) reviewed the new 3D IMAX Space Station movie at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. The movie, we were told, is narrated by none other than the most handsome man in town, Tom Cruise. It wasn't long before the talk turned to Scientology, and later, the Cult of Rama . Far out.

As exciting as L. Ron Hubbard can be, the discussion wasn't half as entertaining as what followed. While taking a cigarette break, Andrew and friends bumped into an acquaintance of theirs, one Julie Something-or-other. Now it turns out that the previous Thursday night, our Andrew was chatting up said Julie at the Town Stall, (which is, indeed, College Park's premier drinking establishment).

Here's the thing to know about Andrew: he's a friendly man. Andrew likes talking to people. It's a fact. He can't help it. But just because he's happy to see you doesn't mean he's making a sexual advance. We've all learned that the hard way.

Well, it seems that Julie Something-or-other might have, just maybe, possibly, thought that Andrew was hitting on her that Thursday night at the Stall. So after Julie walked away, Andrew said something like this: "I hates that Julie Something-or-other! She thought I was trying to get into her pants when, in fact, I was not trying to get into her pants. Gosh that Julie burns me up!"

Pretty run of the mill, so far. What makes this amusing, though, is that when Andrew made these comments, Julie was sitting at a table on the porch, directly behind Andrew, not three feet away.

Andrew was mortified. To his credit, he managed to salvage an awkward situation with humor and charm. But he was quite chagrined, and that's damned funny to this Tea Reporter!

The moral of this story? Julie Something or other is evil. Oh, and she took this horrible, horrible picture. It's so horrible I can only link to it, because I don't want to get its Ugly all over the Tea Reader. We're all better looking than that.

Well, I've said too much. But before I go, some random notes: the collard greens served up with the Flounder Special were horrible; nonetheless I ate them all. Yael did not. The Tea group may or may not be Schyzotypal. And how many napkins did Jason take? I don't even know :-(

Until next week, happy drinking.

20 August 2002

Ack! Moving, moving, moving, too busy. Here are pictures, though. By way of explanation: It was Carla's birthday, and one of Yael's gifts to her was a set of body crayons.

David	Andrew	Yael	Thomas
Andrew	Carla	Cliff	The Gang

13 August 2002

Your humble reporter is sick, sick and alone, with nothing to comfort him but a few toaster waffles and Sleepytime tea. You are asked, therefore, to forgive the brevity of what follows.

L to R:	Maureen, David, Jason, Andrew, Thomas, Carla, Yael, and Cliff.

Before passing out, I shall record the two most salient facts of the evening: Jason took eighteen napkins home with him, and our waitress was Krista, whose name I misspelt last week. Apologies to Krista the Kompetent.

Almost as important: the setting, and the cast. Would you be surprised to learn we gathered at R.J. Bentley's? No, you wouldn't. We did eat inside this time, though, due to the horrible, hazy, humid heat. We hates it, we hates it. But that wasn't half as sizzlin' as the the Tea regulars chillin' out with some gin and juice. I speak, of course, of Carla, Thomas, Jason, David, Cliff, Yael, Andrew, and Maureen.

This Maureen, she's a saucy one. Walked right up to two young women seated at a nearby table and asked if they were offended by our use of a word very close to "cucksocker". For the record, the young women were not offended. The kids are all right.

Mo provided further entertainment with some amusing biblical riddles. What, for example, is the first mention of a car in the bible? Answer. What about the first car mentioned in the "New" testament? Answer.

Andrew, Mo's beau, proffered twenty Britney Spears trivia questions. I'd include them here, but that would entail reading, and writing, twenty Britney Spears trivia questions. Know this, however: Andrew is a standup guy. So, too, am I. Here's why: I bet Andrew one drink that he could not, by holding my shoulder down with one hand, prevent me from standing. Strapping young lad that I am, I stood immediately, winning the bet. But not only did Andrew buy me a drink (Bombay Sapphire and tonic), he bought drinks for the entire table! Three quarks for Muster Farrington!

Jason asked some pretty deep trivia questions of his own. For example, what type of animal is a shipworm? Answer.

So tired *hack* *cough*. Random parting thoughts; Carla told us we're a Tertulia. David told the epic saga of the House formerly known as Dave, and cried. We ate and drank like kings and queens, to the tune of $151.89. And like Cliff, Andrew would have us believe he is troubled by the sight of scantily clad women, specifically their exposed "hocks".

Should I survive the week, watch here for more exciting Tales of Tea!
Hwæt!

6 August 2002

Correction: In our correction of July 30th, we incorrectly corrected our July 3rd report of Yael's unfortunate illness. Yael does indeed order her currency by denomination, with the further requirement that bills be facing forward and right-side up within her wallet. It is, however, permissible for the bills to be unsorted with respect to serial number. The Tea Reader regrets the error, and wishes Ms. K. a speedy recovery.

We did not gather for tea this week . . . psyche! We did gather, and what a gathering it was!

So who was there? Well, Carla, Cliff, Thomas, Yael, and yours truly (David) showed up promptly. Later on, Jason and Walter arrived, and then, sometime after that, Mikey and Sacha. Same R.J. Bentley's, same porch, same table, but . . . entirely different weather! It was a gorgeous evening. A pleasant, refreshingly cool breeze blew through our hair, as a strikingly bright Venus adorned the western sky with her seductive beauty. That we would have to wait for August to bring such delightful weather, none could have imagined. None.

Of the conversation, there were topics both sexual and non-sexual. This is to be expected of the libidinous yet intellectual crowd that tea (beer) attracts. Let us first discuss the wholesome, non-sexual topics.

As is customary, several trivia questions were offered for our collective amusement, and for a lucky few there were prizes, too. Thomas brought to the table some tasty tidbits from his recently purchased copy of the Economist's Pocket Guide of World Pedantry, 2002 Edition. Have you ever wondered which country has the most cars per thousand inhabitants? If you answered Carbania, WRONG! It's actually Lebanon, with 732 cars/thousand. The Unites States can boast only 486 cars/thousand. I don't know about you, but Beirut, here I come! As far as prizes were concerned, the best had to be a package of edible candy blocks, in the Lego style. Here is one food children are encouraged to play with! [Note: Candy Building Blocks are not recommended for children under the age of seven. Children under the age of sixteen should play with Candy Building Blocks only under adult supervision. In case of ingestion, call your local poison control center immediately. Do not induce vomiting.]

Most of the remaining time was spent listening to Yael talk about herself and her experiences. Just Kidding! Yael thinks she may have witnessed a Vietnam flashback at Taco Bell. Others thought the individual in question was just a garden variety schizophrenic. Actually, that's not funny. It's easy for me to laugh about it from the comfort of my couch here, but it must suck to be him, whose good fortune it was to be born with the wrong neurochemistry. The Fates are often cruel.

Yael mentioned an incident of Metro escalator rage, a story prompted by David's recounting of a similarly heated encounter on the roads of Belstville and Laurel. After she left the escalator, Yael thought of something witty she might have said, but it was too late. A better example of esprit de l'escalier one will never find.

What about the others? Well, Carla and Thomas shared some details of their exotic vacation last weekend to Washington, D.C., where they stayed at the glamorous Wyndham Hotel. Fans of Carlazone will know the reason for the vacation: their A.C. was on the fritz. While in D.C., they failed to visit the monuments, which is inexcusable, but they did eat at Georgia Brown's, which is commendable. Good show!

Speaking of restaurants, this evening was unusual in another respect, beyond the weather: the food was quite good. I cannot speak for others, but both the salad and the sirloin special were delicious. Furthermore, the Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, on draught, was pleasingly cold to the palate.

Now, as promised, the sexy sexy sex talk. Hmmm. One of us described a friend whose coworker openly enjoys web p0rn in his cubicle for all the world to see. Even when asked to stop, he continues. Does this individual derive pleasure from being observed? It is a mystery. On the topic of porn, Thomas believes a High Definition porn service would sell. I countered that nobody wants to see high definition porn: think of all those wrinkles, pimples, and hair. That's what air brushes are for. I had to agree, though, that the 5% nation of HD porn is probably out there.

Cliff mentioned that it bothers him when he sees scantily clad women. He was, of course, trying to make a good impression with the ladies. We know better.

What else . . . David worries that he might be a pop culture poseur . . . The Cracker Barrel restaurant chain has a history of refusing to employ gays and lesbians . . . Our waitress, Christa, was competent.

And finally, for some unknown reason, I have to mention that Jason took some napkins home with him. How about that!

Please join us again next week. Who knows what kind of crazy fun we'll have? Whatever kind, rest assured it will be reported here. This is David Eisner, wishing you a pleasant evening.

30 July 2002

Correction: In our July 3rd report, we incorrectly described the severity of Yael's obsessive compulsive disorder. Yael no longer orders the currency within her wallet. The Tea Reader regrets the error.

An especially festive group gathered this week to celebrate Jason's birthday. I won't tell you how old he is, but it's a power of two. Tea regulars Andrew, Mo, Cliff, Jason, Yael, David, Carla, and Tom were joined by 25 June alumnus Sacha, as well as newcomers Brooke, who is 8 feet tall, and Robin, who is not.

Jason received some of the kickest ass gifts a young man could hope for, including:

• 1 Package Skill Sticks
• 1 miniature book of constellations
• 1 model rocket
• 1 Powerpuff Girl stuffed doll (Bubbles)
• 1 Novelty Pickle birthday card

Sacha and others built the rocket as the night progressed, but we resisted the temptation to launch it from the Bentley's porch.

Some exciting announcements! Cliff has achieved the level of Gokyu in Aikido! Andrew has his security clearance! Our waitress was named Melissa! Incidentally, Melissa, too, offered Jason the choice of Coke or Pepsi for his scotch and soda. Faithful readers will remember a similar episode occurred last month. In another demonstration of Melissa's endearing ignorance, she answered Andrew's request for apple pie ala mode with the response: "That's without ice cream, right?" Ah, to be a young waitress again . . .

Did you know that "Hail to the Chief" was popularized during the Polk administration? If you attended tea, you would. Did you know David's new car is Baltic Green? Same story.

In other news, Yael loves Scott Simon! Yael and Scott, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G . . . Should we ban joke Haiku? Some think so? Others say the Chinese are taking measures to alter weather for the Olympics. And I seem to have written the words "Oxy Codone" in my notes. What the hell is that? Oh, some kind of narcotic, apparently.

Finally, Brooke said something about drippy pickles (I can't tell you the context lest another of Jason's brilliant ideas be revealed). It made me feel dirty, unwholesome, and funny inside.

And with that thought, please join me in wishing Jason a Very Happy Birthday!

Please join us next week for what is sure to be another exciting dispatch.

23 July 2002

Watch this space.

16 July 2002

Watch this space.

9 July 2002

As John, Melissa, Jason and your humble narrator patiently waited in front of RJB's for Tom and Carla to arrive, a strange and wondrous change in the weather unfolded before us. What had only a moment before been a warm, stagnant July evening turned suddenly into a chilly, turbulent maelstrom! We held our hands before our eyes to shield them from the stinging sands and watched lesser men and women scramble for shelter.

I laughed, mocking the very winds, when a vortex began to form at the intersection of Route 1 and Knox Road. Don't be alarmed: there would be no tornado this night. But the gusts were strong, strong enough to lift umbrellas from the Smoothie King patio furniture and send them to and fro. One umbrella was carried into the side of a passing car. Others drifted aimlessly down the sidewalk like so many College Park slackers. But one umbrella headed suddenly toward us, pole end first! We had become characters in a bad 3D movie. Fortunately it impacted on the curb and no one was injured.

At this point Carla and Tom arrived along with their passengers, Yael and Allen. Soon Cliff joined us, and by the evening's end we would have yet another new guest: Marc! Sadly, we were so frazzled by the storm that the best name we could come up with for him was "Trivia King". Or was it "minstrel"? Who can remember.

In fact, Marc was not the only newbie: this was to be Melissa's first tea as well. John had affectionately named her "Wring Wraith", because he reads too much fantasy. Also: Melissa and John are newly engaged, and a fairly large diamond (or three) graced Melissa's finger. Mazel Tov!

Once seated (on the porch again -- the storm had passed), we ordered beer, mozzarella sticks, and sandwiches. Overhead a TV was tuned to Baseball's All-Star Game. But who could pay attention with so much stimulating conversation? I would tell you everything discussed, but then you'd be jealous. Instead, find here a representative sampling:

We recalled with fond memories that weekend's party at the House Formerly Known as Dave. Hmmm, I need to return the keg. Anyhoo, it was great fun, and several people booted, to boot. I won't mention names, but one of them rhymes with Jayson. Tom and Carla mentioned an interesting exhibit of Cheech Marin's Chicano Art collection at the Smithsonian's Arts and Industries Building. They also visited the Smithsonian's Silk Road Folklife Festival, where they bumped into David and Marc (as well as Christy and Helen, who have never been to tea).

Also discussed: novelty drinking birds, NPR's All Things Considered Grand Theft Auto III story, Cliff's strange dream of an alien mould life form, LTO Drives, and Yael's thesis: a book she both wrote and set by hand on a letterpress in cold lead type.

Excuse the pun, but this ultimately lead to an interesting discovery: both Yael and John are afflicted with the same mental disorder: ARS (Anal Retention Syndrome). Or perhaps it's just garden variety obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm not a psychiatrist. Here are some symptoms -- you be the judge: they both order the currency in their wallets by denomination, with all bills facing in the same direction, and sorted within denomination by serial number. Their CD collections are in strict alphabetical order. This wouldn't be so unusual if not for the further requirement that the CD within each case must be oriented with the label right side up. Rubber bands in use must be arranged so that they lie flat, with the unavoidable twist hidden from site. I could go on, but I'd rather not. We also took handwriting samples from both. I planned to scan them in, but instead, I didn't.

This is all too disturbing for my delicate constitution. I must rest.

Until next week . . .

2 July 2002

We gathered this hot, hazy, humid evening at -- surprise! -- R.J. Bentley's. (Who the hell is R.J. Bentley, anyway?) Two tea virgins joined us: John and Allen. Because we're dorks, we gave them dorky tea names, too: Allen is to be our Sergeant at Arms, while John is the resident Plebeian. Regulars included Carla, Cliff, David, Jason, Thomas, and Yael.

Several minutes before tea, outside on a wooden table, at the corner of Baltimore Blvd. and College Avenue, Thomas showed us a video clip that has forever scarred the tissues of my mind: a brief presentation about his "Memory House" project. I don't want to divulge the clever idea behind the project, but I will say this much: we were treated to a little Tom and Carla S&M. Don't worry Carlazone readers: there was no nudity (unless one counts Tom's bared torso).

Once seated on the Bentley's porch, we discussed many exciting topics. For example, both Yael and David recommended this month's Atlantic Monthly cover story: American Ground: Unbuilding the World Trade Center. David and Allen pondered the differences between a dentil and a modillion. And everyone was excited about the Worldcom scandal, including its implications for Digex and UUNet.

In other news: Yael is at work on the design of the soon to be published Rock Creek Park by Gail Spilsbury. She also asks that we thoughtfully consider the new Powerpuff Girls Movie when we make our social plans for the coming week.

As usual, the sandwiches were excellent; the beer was cold if from a bottle, warm if on draught; and the non-sandwich dishes were dreadful. Three of us were foolish enough to order the chicken curry special, which was neither. Imagine the contents of a Swanson Chicken Pot Pie dumped over some white rice, but without the vegetables, and green.

Mmmm.

25 June 2002

The Author has been informed that he is to produce more verbose entries for the benefit of our new Carlazone readership. Ahem.

Well, we're already a week behind as we go to press, so this will be terse. Get over it.

This evening the following individuals partook in "tea" at R.J. Bentley's: Carla, Cliff, Brian, Walter, Thomas, Jason, David, and, later, Sacha and Mikey. Because of the extreme heat, we decided to eat inside, where it was slightly cooler. Sadly, it was also much louder. The source of most of the noise was a tableful of fourteen or so just barely post-pubescent coeds. For no discernable reason they would scream in unison from time to time. Correction: on some occasions, they appeared to scream at the behest of a stout, mustached, middle-aged man who may or may not have worked there.

The only other observation worth mentioning was that the draught beer was warm.

Fin

18 June 2002

Perhaps this should be the beer reader. Once more R.J. Bentley's served as the setting for our revelry. The cast, along with our newly adopted titles:

• Andrew, as "The Steward"
• Brad, as "The Jester"
• Carla, as "The Duchess"
• Cliff, as both "The Treasure(r)" and "Seneschal"
• David, as "The Scribe"
• Jason, as "Minister of Culture"
• Thomas, as "The Dutch", and
• Yael, as "The Ambassador"

Note: this list is in strict alphabetical order.

Funniest Exchange

Jason (to young waitress):	"I'd like a scotch & soda."
Waitress:	"What kind of soda would you like? Would Coke be OK?"
Jason:	"Ummm, soda water would be fine . . ."

Other Quotes

What about the Penis?
                        -David

A batch to match the snatch?
                        -Carla

Funniest Concept

Hourly, off-site machine gun rentals. (Yael)

Not too much geek talk. There was mention of a Pringles High Gain Antenna, as well as the possibility of a trip to the National Cryptologic Museum. We also discussed Carla's sister, who has always been very nice to me, and the goings on at the Cole residence.

Some final, random observations:

• Tom and Carla -- married!
• No milkshakes!
• Mocking David
• Andrew smokes, pisses off David
• Jason whines about not being recorded in the tea annals, and smokes, too.

Until next week: Be Well!

11 June 2002

Another evening on the patio at R.J. Bentley's. Gathered for food, beer, and inspired conversation were Carla, Cliff, David, Jason, Tom, Yael, and Walter-ulonic. Jason regaled us with another exciting round of Jason-centric trivia. The questions and answers will be posted shortly -- stay tuned readers!

OK, well, these are actually the trivia questions from the previous tea, but we'll have to make do until Jason deigns to release the second set.

Here they are, in no particular order, and edited for clarity where necessary. Interesting note: none of the answers may be correct!

Q1: What two state quarters have the Wright Brothers' first plane on their reverse side?
-answer-

Q2: What was the name of the Wright Brothers' first plane?
-answer-

Q3: Who said "Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead?"
-answer-

Q4: What would we call a civil war era "torpedo" ?
-answer-

Q5: How many of these questions did [Jason] come up with at work?
-answer-

Q6: How much water can the average human bladder hold?
-answer-

Q7: In 1989 there was an earthquake in California during the World Series. Whom were the San Francisco Giants playing?
-answer-

Q8: Was the last person to flirt with [Jason] male or female?
-answer-

Q9: What is the expansion of the acronym FDIC?
-answer-

4 June 2002

On this evening, the English Tea House closed at 8 PM! Karen, Carla, Jason, and David quickly retired to R.J. Bentley's for beer and nachos in the semi-enclosed porch.

Shortwave Radio and the Ionosphere

Explore the magic of long distance radio transmission!

28 May 2002

Dole Salads

In the future, salad will come in a bag . . .
The future is here!

The Jersey Devil

"The Jersey Devil, the supposed mythical creature of the New Jersey Pinelands, has haunted New Jersey and the surrounding areas for the past 260 years. This entity has been seen by over 2,000 witnesses over this period. It has terrorized towns and caused factories and schools to close down, yet many people believe that the Jersey Devil is a legend, a mythical beast, that originated from the folklore of the New Jersey Pine Barrens. Others disagree with this point of view. The following text will show there is evidence to support the existence of an animal or supernatural bring known as the Jersey Devil. The evidence consists of the stories of the Jersey Devil's origin, the sightings of it, and finally, the theories on it. ..."

See also here, here, and here. Or just go to Google.

Pennies on the Track

Longtime reader Karen Smid sent us this informative link.

6 May 2002

Tea May Temper Heart Disease

The beverage of choice in many cultures, tea has long been touted as having various healing properties. Now new research suggests that in the case of heart disease, that may well be true. According to study results published online yesterday in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association, heart attack patients who drank tea regularly had significantly elevated survival rates as compared with those who didn't.

23 April 2002

The Dumping Ground
As Zambia Courts Western Markets, Used Goods Arrive at a Heavy Price

A Rare Dance of Planets
A grand and beautiful lineup of all the bright naked-eye planets Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn is taking shape in the western sky at dusk.

UTOPIA

16 April 2002

There are Two Wars Here
by Amos Oz

Commanding Heights: The Battle for the World Economy
PBS's 3-part series on the global economy.

Quorn!
Mmmm, you can really taste the mycoprotein . . .

19 March 2002

Seeing Around Corners
The new science of artificial societies suggests that real ones are both more predictable and more surprising than we thought. Growing long-vanished civilizations and modern-day genocides on computers will probably never enable us to foresee the future in detail—but we might learn to anticipate the kinds of events that lie ahead, and where to look for interventions that might work

by Jonathan Rauch
April 2002 Atlantic Monthly

Cafe Culture
Gone are the days of the simple cup of coffee. Now, you can choose -- lattes, cappucino or macchiato while filling up at the local coffee bar. But any way you drink it, all coffee started out the same way -- as a bean. Producer Judith Kampfner journeys with the sacred substance from a plantation in Costa Rica to your local Starbucks.

Soundprint

Karen and I visited the Chicago Starbuck's in which much of this program is set. -Ed.

Chaos
The first hit for a Google search on "chaos" !

12 March 2002

1491 by Charles Mann. March 2002 Atlantic Monthly

Camp David: The Tragedy of Errors by Hussein Agha and Robert Malley.
August 9, 2002 New York Review of Books.

Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies by Jared Diamond